I realize you’re not a diary, but let’s pretend! I never had a diary as a young girl, but feel like I could use one today.
Today was one of those days. No, let me correct that! This has been one of those weeks. No that’s not right either! And here in lies the problem. I’m all over the place!
I’m in my second to last semester of college….at 41 years old. Some days I seriously question my sanity when it comes to that decision! I thought it made sense at the time. By the time I finished, Noah would be heading to college. I wouldn’t be needed so much and would have more time on my hands. Going back to work with a degree would allow me to work in the special needs community I love and contribute to our retirement. But it’s like every obstacle that could be thrown my way has. Time, money, other responsibilities, kids having breakdowns and on and on. College doesn’t wait though. I either keep on keeping on or it’s all for nothing.
So here I am taking my last classes before my internship in the winter and every doubt possible has crept in. I sent out three internship packets Monday and haven’t heard a thing.
In my mind that equates to: nobody is going to call me for an interview.
That snowballs into: I won’t be able to secure an internship.
The snowball gains speed and turns into: without an internship, I won’t get a job.
That creates: without a job, I won’t be able to take some of the burden off my husband.
And the final blow: I’m a horrible wife.
How did I go from sending out resumes to a horrible wife so quickly?
I started Imperfection Revolution in July, my business this month, created a website for both, created a private women’s only support group, run that group, work in that group, am putting together my first program to offer all on my own without hiring anyone. I’ve self-taught myself every step of the way through courses, videos, and reading.
Today I was having a hard time figuring out the email automation system and how to link it to PayPal and then to the program page.
In my mind, it started as: this is really hard.
It turned into: what am I thinking taking this on?
That became: who do I think I am thinking I could start a business and make it work?
Then the snowball happened!
I can’t do this.
I’m going to fail.
I’m going to let everyone down.
Everyone in my group will hate me.
My husband is going to be so disappointed in me.
Again, how did I go from accomplishing everything I have to being a horrible wife again?
I spoke with my son’s psychologist today to give him an update. I explained that the depression and OCD seemed to have improved, but his anxiety was still an issue. As we spoke and I filled him in, he made some changes to his medications. Then he explained that he’s not convinced the depression is gone or that the OCD is a thing of the past. He feels it’s too soon to excuse them and stop being diligent. It would be too easy for him to go backward with the anxiety still being so prevalent.
What? I know the anxiety is an issue, but I thought the rest had resolved itself. How could I miss it?
I can’t believe it’s been months and we’re still in this limbo.
That became: what if he’s hiding what’s going on inside with a fake smile on the outside?
That turned into: what if we miss it again?
Then the snowball gained speed: what if we don’t get this under control before he has to commit to a college?
Then it sped up: what if he can’t go away to school? That’s not fair!
Gaining speed: he’s going to have another breakdown!
Finally: I’m a horrible mother!
Rather than remembering how far he’s come in the last few months I became convinced we were headed back where we started!
This is anxiety! My anxiety has been at bay for a while now, but today it reared its ugly head with a vengeance. It screamed. It yelled. It gnashed its teeth. It pulled out its claws and dug them into me.
I should have seen it coming last night. I was up late working and my mind was racing. I went to bed and couldn’t shut it down.
Stare at the ceiling…….
Then finally drifting off just as the alarm sounded.
So here I am today, tired and cranky. Holed up in the same four walls that I’ve seen day in and day out for months. Doubting every single thing I’ve done or am doing. All because I’ve been blessed with anxiety.
Anxiety who has claimed both of my children.
It’s irrational and illogical. That’s the irony! I know and understand that the things I’m ruminating on aren’t even true. Yet, I spent the day obsessing on all of it.
So, what do I do now?
I breathe. I meditate. I journal. I unplug for the night.
I do something mindless.
I remind myself over and over again that my anxiety does not control me.
My anxiety does not define me.
My anxiety will not claim me.
I open up and share it with the women in my group. I share it on my blog. I share it with those who love me. I let others hold me up when I feel weak. I remind myself I’ve been here before and always come out the other side.
And then I thank God for giving me anxiety because it allows me to appreciate life without it. Those days when my mind is clear and the gremlins are quiet.
I also thank God because without my anxiety, I would never know or understand what my children go through. I would not understand how the act of putting my hand on my son’s bouncing leg can bring him comfort. I would not understand how comforting sitting in the back rather than the front of a college auditorium can be. I would never understand how sticking to a routine can be soothing.
For tonight I simply be.
For tonight, that’s enough.